The Big Ugly Cry

I always hope to write about uplifting motivating things, but sometimes life isn’t always like that!!  And in my promise of being honest to you all, here is some honesty.

My long run last weekend was a ten miler.  I had been sick all week with some respiratory illness and knew that it might be a tough run.  I was tired.  I had thrown 4 big parties in the span of weeks and I was finally having a low key weekend.  I had a work situation dramatically brewing and it was weighing heavily on my mind.  I had weight lifted with my legs on Wed and they were tired and sore.  But I also knew that I wanted to push myself on my speed some.  You see, I’m at that point where I’ve run 4 of these half marathons this year and I’m ready to see some results time wise.  I’m starting to get frustrated a little. But overall, I was just spent.  Cue the perfect storm. 

My ankle gave out twice during the run around mile 5.  No, I didn’t hook it on a root or hit a patch of uneven ground.  It just plopped over for no good reason.  I’m pretty forgiving of myself when there is a good reason, but when there isn’t, I’m just mostly annoyed.  So, I increased my focus on the trail and focused on keeping some semblance of energy in my ankles to avoid a real injury.  But I had a hard time breathing because I was still sick.  So, by the time my lovely coach Bob rode by on his bike and asked how I was doing, the big ugly cry commenced.  When most people ask you how you are doing, it is rare to give them a 100% honest answer and it’s rare that they want a 100% honest answer.  But Coach Bob got the 100% honest answer.  He is such a wonderful man that I’ve never considered that he would want anything less. 

I started crying, hyperventilating and an overall freak out!  It was like the world descended upon me and I crumbled beneath its weight.

Let’s face it.  Running is cathartic.  And sometimes you just need a breakdown. 

A yoga teacher once told me a story of a woman having a breakdown during a class on her yoga mat.  How the woman just softly wept during the class.  The teacher said ‘How amazing this was, that her mat and her practice was her safe space.  She felt so much in her element on her mat, that she could just let it all go’.   

I didn’t really think of that story until after this past run.  I realized that the trail and running is my safe space.  There is no pretense there.  No one to impress.  I’m just me.  Take it or leave it. And that makes me proud that the trail is where I feel safe enough to break down.  

Coach Bob said what I knew already ‘We’ve all been there’.  Again, what a wonderful man.  He didn’t shrink away or tell me to suck it up.  He just peddled along on his bike next to me and was there for me.

If you haven’t ever had the equivalent of the big ugly cathartic cry on a run, you are bound to have one eventually.  Especially if you are female.  I’m sure that men have an equivalent.   And hopefully you’ll realize that there is nothing wrong with the big ugly cry.  It just means you’ve found your safe space.  

Blog entry coming up soon...May Half Marathon!  Run for the Achievable Dream in Williamsburg, completed today!!  I'm a little behind on my blog!!  But it was a great race and I'll tell ya'll all about it in a few days!

Nashville - April

So much to tell from this past weekend!!  For the sake of everyone, I’m going to split this into two sections, one about Team in Training and the other about my amazing soccer gals!!

Part 1-Team in Training!!

Team in Training.  Wow.  Just Wow.  This was my first official Team in Training race, 1 of the 3 that I will end up doing over the course of my 12 halfs this year.  If you have ever considered doing Team in Training, just go ahead and do it, they will amaze you.  At first, I was starting to get skeptical about all the events and places to be with Team in Training during the weekend.  I’ve done a few races and I have a certain way of doing things.  I’m a little stubborn and when I’m told where to be and at what time, I have a tendency to rebel!  But at some point, I finally realized that maybe these folks know better than me (shocker!) and I should go with it!  I’m so glad that I did, because they do know better than me! 

We started the weekend with an inspirational dinner in which we were welcomed by whistles, clapping and general heralding!  You feel like a rock star at the Team in Training events.  Somehow, they make you feel like you have made the biggest difference in the world and that you are truly an amazing person.  By the end of the weekend, I felt like I was!  At the dinner, we  sat with our Virginia teammates and listened to stories from survivors/family members affected by blood cancers and heard racing tidbits and humor from John Bingham “The Penguin”.  The inspiration dinner did just what it is supposed to do, it inspired me and reminded me as to why we fight and beg for every dollar for LLS.  After the dinner, we met with the entire Virginia team and talked about race strategies and what would happen the next day.  Our Coach, Chuck, went over many things including that it would be hotter than what we had expected.  And then off to bed we went. 

I have to give a shout out to Ms. Jeannie Dennis for being my partner in crime this weekend.  I feel like I have worked pretty hard these last months and at some point, you just want someone that knows you to see your effort and really understand what it means.  You want to be able to share your efforts with someone and I realized during the inspiration dinner how thankful I was that Jeannie was there.  She blindly came along to all the events with our TNT Team and happily became a part of us, we even stenciled TNT Groupie on her arm for the race.  Big huge thanks to Jeannie, you are awesome!

I had decorated my jersey with pictures of Uncle Pat and his family.  What I remember most of finding out about Uncle Pat’s Leukemia was the fear in my Cousin Anne’s voice in that my Uncle Pat might never get to hold his grandchildren or be a part of their lives.  I remember Annie and I crying on the phone multiple times over this simple yet huge fear over the uncertainty of how much time we might have with him.  Not only did I run with Uncle Pat’s picture on my jersey, but Uncle Pat’s family, including my Aunt Patty and my cousins Anne, Patrick and John.  I grew up down the street from them and they were my constant playmates, my Uncle Pat and Aunt Patty were my secondary parents.  We would do anything for each other.  My cousin John once told me when we were little, that when he was older he would buy me the horse that I always wanted but instead gave me a picture of a horse that he had made as his promise.   Such a simple gesture, it always stayed with me that even as children, we wanted to make each other’s dreams come true.  So, I run for all of them, not just Uncle Pat.  Having lost my brother when I was 24, I am fully aware of the pain of losing someone and I run with Team in Training in order to have my cousins not lose their father.   It’s painful to write that sentence, but that sentence is my motivation.  That sentence is the only thing I can do for them.

Our Coach had mentioned during our pre-race meeting to remember at mile 8 or 11 when you are hurting that you aren’t in chemo and that you have the ability to run.  And sure enough, after the heat and the many hills in Nashville, at mile 8, I thought of my Uncle Pat and his family.  During the race, you can’t help but notice all the purple jersey’s on the course.  It is truly a TEAM.  All others might be running solo, but when you see the purple jersey, the person from Nebraska isn’t a stranger, they are a teammate.  And you smile at them and tell them they are looking good.  You see Coaches along each stretch and they shout out your name for you.  At mile 11, Coach Chuck found me and ran with me some to check in on me.  I have to say that seeing his face at mile 11 was quite the boost.  Having someone give me a little attention and a little boost was an amazing feeling.  I asked him about our Virginia team because somewhere along this journey, you turn into a team.  You care about each other and want to know they are doing well. 

Overall this wasn’t my best race time wise.  It was hot and hilly.  I know I complain a lot about hills, but they really do wear on you when you aren’t used to them.  But this was my strongest race physically and mentally.  I was able to sprint the finish, which was my real goal.  I was so disappointed after the DC race that I didn’t do my signature ‘want to throw up sprint’ at the end.  I was proud to do it this time, no matter my race time.  After the race, I wandered over to the Team in Training tent to notify them that I had finished and was greeted with cheers and whistles.  The love and attention they shower on you is breath taking.  I don’t like to be the center of attention, I want to work hard and let my work speak for itself.  But I tried to bask in this praise that is literally being showered upon you.  And it felt good.  The after race Team in Training tent is basically a VIP tent complete with yummy food, ice baths and private port-a-potties.  Seriously, Team in Training makes you feel like a rock star.  But that is what these folks are…they are rock stars in purple jerseys that are fighting for those with, affected or even may potentially have blood cancers.  I am so proud to be a part of the Team! 

Part 2 - The Soccer Gals

 The soccer gals!!  Somewhere along the way of doing these races, it came to my attention that one of my favorite college soccer teammates, Beth, was also running in Nashville.  Then a few other soccer gals decided to run it and it quickly turned into a Soccer reunion!  Four of us ended up running (Beth, Lindsey, Rebecca and myself) while 4 others (Amy, Jennifer, Christie and Kyra) came in town to either cheer us on or offer post-race emotional support and fun!  I had mentioned to my best friend, Amy, that I’d never had a sign made for me during a race and sure enough, at some point in her busy life, she managed to make me two!  She got out there to the race with Jennifer and they cheered us on!  What a boost it was to see them along the course!!  Jennifer even allowed me to give her sweaty hugs without complaint! 

I love these girls with all my heart but there was a part of me that was nervous about seeing everyone.  Much like any reunion, you wonder what people will think of you ten years later.  I’ve kept up with some of the girls for years but there are others which I haven’t kept up with as I should.  Shame on me for that.  Hopefully, I’ve always made it apparent to them that I would come running if they needed me.  I’d drop everything for any of them.

But I was still nervous to run the same race they were running! Let me emphasize that we all played collegiate soccer together and are super competitive at heart.  You have to be competitive in order to play any sport.  You have to have that drive to beat other people, to pass them, to be faster and stronger than your competitor.  And the soccer gals who decided to come run this race are in incredibly good shape.  They were always the fastest girls.  Beth, Rebecca and Lindsey were the forwards and mid-fielders who could run all day and who shot by defenders like it was a Sunday morning jaunt.  These gals are FAST!! I am not!!  Never have been.  So, I felt a little out of my element and had to fight down the competitive girl in my mind who still has insecurities that she isn’t the fastest on the team.  And partially because of those insecurities, I knew I wanted to run this race on my own.  I wanted to be solely responsible for my performance and I wanted to concentrate on running for Team in Training.  So, I didn’t start with them and I did run it alone, just as I had wanted to.  As I’ve been reminded many times during this journey ‘Running is not a team sport’, although I wish it was!!

In the end, we all had a tough time with the hills and the heat of the race.  Although, I think of these girls as superhuman, we all are still very human.  We are all getting older.  Our bodies are starting to betray us a little.  But I’m still mesmerized by these women in their physical abilities.  My pride in them overcomes any insecurity that I have, which was the exact same 10 years ago.  I still feel the same overwhelming pride in them when they finish a half marathon just as I did when they scored a goal.  I still feel the old protective nature in me that has always prevailed over my competitive nature. All I want to do is see them succeed.  I still want to sit them down and tell them what phenomenal women they are and that the world is theirs for the taking.  That they can do anything they put their mind to doing.  That it makes me so incredibly happy to see them happy in their life choices. 

I’ve always known that during College soccer, my physical abilities were not my strongest asset for the team.  I’d like to think it was my leadership abilities.  I’d like to believe that it was my ability to pull our team together.  I’d like to believe it was that I could inspire someone to be a better version of them self.  And that as their Captain, I could make them see each other as more than teammates…I could make them sisters.  And it still put an immediate smile on my face to hear Beth say ‘Oh Captain, My Captain’ to me.  I hope that at some point in their college soccer career, I inspired them in some way.  That maybe I helped put them on the amazing paths that they are all on today.  I’d like to think that I did something right as a leader if we all still want to see each other years later!! 

I walked away from the race and the weekend not upset that I was slower than them, but feeling inspired by them.  They make me want to run faster, push harder and keep at it.  They remind me that I’ve never been a quitter and never will be.  Because at the end of my day, I still want to be their Captain.  I still want to take care of them and inspire them.  I can only hope that I do!