The Big Ugly Cry

I always hope to write about uplifting motivating things, but sometimes life isn’t always like that!!  And in my promise of being honest to you all, here is some honesty.

My long run last weekend was a ten miler.  I had been sick all week with some respiratory illness and knew that it might be a tough run.  I was tired.  I had thrown 4 big parties in the span of weeks and I was finally having a low key weekend.  I had a work situation dramatically brewing and it was weighing heavily on my mind.  I had weight lifted with my legs on Wed and they were tired and sore.  But I also knew that I wanted to push myself on my speed some.  You see, I’m at that point where I’ve run 4 of these half marathons this year and I’m ready to see some results time wise.  I’m starting to get frustrated a little. But overall, I was just spent.  Cue the perfect storm. 

My ankle gave out twice during the run around mile 5.  No, I didn’t hook it on a root or hit a patch of uneven ground.  It just plopped over for no good reason.  I’m pretty forgiving of myself when there is a good reason, but when there isn’t, I’m just mostly annoyed.  So, I increased my focus on the trail and focused on keeping some semblance of energy in my ankles to avoid a real injury.  But I had a hard time breathing because I was still sick.  So, by the time my lovely coach Bob rode by on his bike and asked how I was doing, the big ugly cry commenced.  When most people ask you how you are doing, it is rare to give them a 100% honest answer and it’s rare that they want a 100% honest answer.  But Coach Bob got the 100% honest answer.  He is such a wonderful man that I’ve never considered that he would want anything less. 

I started crying, hyperventilating and an overall freak out!  It was like the world descended upon me and I crumbled beneath its weight.

Let’s face it.  Running is cathartic.  And sometimes you just need a breakdown. 

A yoga teacher once told me a story of a woman having a breakdown during a class on her yoga mat.  How the woman just softly wept during the class.  The teacher said ‘How amazing this was, that her mat and her practice was her safe space.  She felt so much in her element on her mat, that she could just let it all go’.   

I didn’t really think of that story until after this past run.  I realized that the trail and running is my safe space.  There is no pretense there.  No one to impress.  I’m just me.  Take it or leave it. And that makes me proud that the trail is where I feel safe enough to break down.  

Coach Bob said what I knew already ‘We’ve all been there’.  Again, what a wonderful man.  He didn’t shrink away or tell me to suck it up.  He just peddled along on his bike next to me and was there for me.

If you haven’t ever had the equivalent of the big ugly cathartic cry on a run, you are bound to have one eventually.  Especially if you are female.  I’m sure that men have an equivalent.   And hopefully you’ll realize that there is nothing wrong with the big ugly cry.  It just means you’ve found your safe space.  

Blog entry coming up soon...May Half Marathon!  Run for the Achievable Dream in Williamsburg, completed today!!  I'm a little behind on my blog!!  But it was a great race and I'll tell ya'll all about it in a few days!